Ive Been Hoarded, So I'll See You Later, Maybe

I saw a commercial recently of a girl who’s clearly with her boyfriend and he makes it clear to her, she can’t see her friends anymore, now this is a more drastic scenario to the idea in my head but has a similar ending, have you ever found it that when you’re with someone, either from the beginning, the middle or the end, you gradually find yourself losing contact with those closest to you, your friends who know you the best, the ones who finish your sentences and have all the punch lines to your personal jokes, do you find that the contact wears thin and then becomes non-existent over time, why is it that as soon as we find ourselves emotionally attached to just one person, all the other attachments start to unravel, I noticed in one case of personal experience, your partner may be too dependent, too much of a flake and in need of thicker skin and a stronger spine, and to not use you as an emotional shield, making you take all the front and responsibility, taking, taking, taking, piling it on more and more until the amount of available time between sleeps is taken up by having to support someone else’s needs and not your own, I found over different times I personally got worn away, much like a stone beaten down by the ocean, my mood goes down, my attitude disappears, and my personality changes, that me as a person crumbles away, time and time again having to rebuild myself to what I once was, trying to use sturdier materials each time, but still getting broken down, isolated and tied to someone who doesn’t give, just takes causing you to lose contact with the people who don’t ever take advantage of what you have to offer, but in return are just there to enhance your needs and you do the same in return, when did relationships become so one sided, and the needs of the one out way the needs of the we, having all the total time basically stolen and hoarded to support someone, who is so I, me, my, that the question of do I deserve this arises, do they really deserve me?

Honey, Im Home. Honey?

Is there really not enough room in the box of life to have it all? I was just thinking in my life, whenever I began to sort myself out and try to get things in order, be it with a new job or something else massively changing in my life, my relationships always seem to suffer and often drift apart, I remember a couple of years ago, when I was with someone for about 14 months, 8 of which I didn't even want to be there, I felt like I was trapped and actually needed a solid way out, and when I started a new job, where the contact grew shorter and more limited as the days went by, the relationship soon ended and I was free, I then thought about it after it ended, of the job giving me the opportunity to swiftly escape, to have a scapegoat rather than explain in totality of why it really ended, but then I saw it happening again, greeted with the potential of a new career path, a new set of expectations of a promising new future for me, and my relationship suffers again, so thinking on that, did my last relationship end because the new job gave me the opportunity to leave?, or realistically, did the new job and the focuses on myself for a change, automatically make my personal life suffer and rip the relationship apart? But then again why is it only that your relationships that suffer? Why not your friendships? Why not your family life? Is it that we only have a certain space in our brains for one or the other, our friends and family are forever fixed in their sections, but the potential of love or a career always hang in the balance, fighting it out where one always wins and the other loses, is it really impossible to come home after a busy day of work and find the one you care for, greeting you at the door? Or is it that to be in the real movie romance, we have to live in poverty?

First One To The Finish Line Wins.

It’s all good the dating, the getting to know a stranger with the idea of the possible potential that they could become a “someone” to you, but when it comes to the work and the maintenance, who is responsible for the up keep?, and making sure that no cracks appear in the fresh foundation? I remember once, I suppose we were dating, although it was quite brief, it wasn’t really clear, it was all sweet and new in the beginning, but then, nothing, no contact on both parts for some unknown reason, I try to recall exactly why but it doesn’t come to me, although I know it was something completely harmless on both sides, a lack of credit or a trip abroad maybe, and then a month or 2 of time goes by before , a message of complete blame and a victimised style of writing comes through, accusations of being used, of being ignored and forgotten about, but realistically isn’t it a two way street?, was it really my job to keep in contact and give an easy ride?, when did it become a game of first one to the finish line wins, and the prize of playing the victim was awarded, while the bad guy ribbon was pinned to the one who finished last, maybe this is an easy way out for someone who couldn’t figure out a nicer way to just say, “I'm just not interested”, or “I've met someone else”, or maybe it’s for someone who realised it’s been so long without any contact, and they’d better slip on their running shoes, I think people should just grow up and own up to their mistakes, I would have apologised, if it would have been reciprocated that is, but the clear message of how it wasn’t going to be so 50/50 ended any further contact there and then, can’t people just take an equal slice of the blame, cant people just tell it how it is before it gets to the worst possible point, when are people going to not be in such a rush to run away from their problems to that finish line, with smooth ride included.

My Bag Is So Heavy, But I'll Get To It Later.

I've always had it, my friends always get it and I'm sure you’ve had it too, don’t you find it when you’re with someone who’s been cheated on, been dumped or mistreated in the past, they can’t help but drag their old emotional baggage all over your supposedly new “fresh” relationship with them?, always paranoid, always mistrusting, why can’t people ever start fresh and not doubt the unanswered calls as cheating, and not firstly consider it actually for what it was, of just being asleep or something completely harmless, and not replying to a text straight away, so I must be ignoring you and not talking, to being in a bad mood at someone, which is always automatically all about you right? Why can’t people ever end a relationship with thoughts of, maybe I was better than that? and something new and better is coming up on the horizon, and when it comes along, to have made sure they’ve emptied out their bag completely to make room for the fresh potential, I know of someone who I put their partners actions to maybe just being a little bi-polar, but actually developed into more of a crazed, psychotic harassment, treating their partner like a prisoner, only calls of “who are you with” and “where are you” materialised after a certain point, and nothing beyond that, which only reads as mistrust and doubts of faithfulness which are gratefully undeserved, but shockingly even more, rules of who they are allowed to hang around with, and who not to were made, creating lines they aren’t meant to cross, seriously no one has the right to tell you who you can and cannot be around, not even your partner, especially not to someone who has done nothing wrong what so ever, don’t people realise that this baggage full of anger and all the wrong moves are getting in the way of what could possibly be a good thing, what could potentially be a new move in the right direction for their lives, but only if they’d stop being so delirious for 5 minutes, and forget all the past hurt, cant people just take 5 minutes to sort through their emotional clutter?

I Can't Wait To Meet You, I Love You.

How awful, tragic and desperate, I can’t imagine it, I can even begin to fathom, but maybe it’s just gotten to the point where nothing’s going how you want it to, so you begin to create and shape your own life however unbelievable it may be and slip on your rose coloured glasses which are making you near to blind, have you ever found yourself in a position where maybe your life isn’t going how you want it to?, how you saw it being when you were younger, you expected so much, and wanted it to be so exciting and perfect, with all these plans and ambitions, but what if you find it has come to the point where it’s not really so much paradise you find yourself in, confronted with problems and troubles at every turn, is that really good enough reason to start creating a life with lies, controversy and disproof, claiming to a life of events to be, of the future, and the now, with no real solidity to any of it, and be so desperate you end up forcing this life you want so much onto people who don’t really want any part of it and a person who may even not be known to you, I have come to be aware of someone who has become so determined to have the life they envisioned they have given their “love” to someone they’ve never actually met until recently, but before was still planning, and feeling so much for who? a picture on a screen and a voice down a phone, to move to a city where they’ve never been, and to just pick up their life in total and travel to somewhere, where they could potentially be left stranded and with nothing, and then it all comes falling apart at the seams, why would someone take such a colossal risk with their lives?, it could be due to a depressive state of things not going so much the ways they had planned, but everyone has that at some point don’t they? But I've never seen it in my time that someone has ever made what I feel to be a massive mistake, and could potentially make everything a whole lot worse than before, is it really better just to fake it?

Life Boat For 2 Please.

I just had that moment, where I realised and seriously thought, it’s not so much the “it’s all you” , but maybe more realistically, “it's all just me” maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe I'm the one that should just realise I've got a good thing going here, and should really just open my eyes to what’s important, and I do know that if it’s important to you, it should be doubly important to me, as I'm finding myself loving you with every fibre of my being, finding myself consumed by the thoughts of every you, but on that, I can’t help but lose my way, as well as lose sight of what really matters, in my mind, planning for the future is an important step in a relationship, but what if you find yourself with someone who already has their own agenda and their own goals laid out in a neat set line, do we really have the right to come along and bend and curve their future with our own ideas and plans?, or is it that we should really be picking up another paddle to help sail the course of your partners life boat? Even if the dock you eventually pull into, isn’t one where you see yourself being in any sense and may not even speak the language, when does it become applicable for someone to just be selfish for a change and introduce the “I wants” and the “I needs” into a relationship, or is it that love blinds us in such a way we can’t even sail our own boats anymore?, that a hazy fog clouds your way much like an infatuation does, finding ourselves having to jump ships with the natural instinct knowing 2 rowers are better than 1 right? If I'm honest I've never really had a set goal, a set plan, and as a result always end up going along with everyone else’s plans, just being there to lend an extra hand and support, but thinking on that, will it ever come to the point where eventually I have no one to guide me out of the fog? And ultimately be lost on my journey, when is it ever going to clear up and be my turn?

I Shouldn't Have To Wait For You To Love Me.

Thinking on it now, are we all just scared to be who we really are?, I was looking at my life in its past and present state, evaluating the moments and the goings on I could recall, there was one thing that stood out in my mind that made me wonder, when you’re with someone and you are in a place where you feel proud and excited about who they are and this relationship you find yourself in, so new and full of potential, you just want to show it off to the world right? But what if, we find ourselves in a position where we aren’t able to, where we find it our partners do not reciprocate in these feelings of share and share alike about the status of their relationship, and hide it away behind the other nick naks on life's shelf with everything else that classifies as “no one else needs to know my business”, are we supposed to zip our mouths shut and be as unaffectionate as strangers in public’s eye? Doesn’t that in its self pose the questions of actually being a true couple, or even more so an apparent embarrassment of the situation your partner finds themselves in or maybe it’s just you as a person that embarrasses?, it could be paranoia, it could be just other peoples whispers, but it does make you wonder, why can’t people just be happy with what goes on in their own heads, their own lives and ideas, and not even care to the thoughts of others, if I cared at all what people thought of me and the things they say, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, I wouldn’t be as strong and confident as I am, I find myself wanting someone who can just hold my hand in public, just kiss me here and now, and not even look around after just to see who was watching, because then it would feel like the “me and you” is all there is, and the world around us would just be a blurry passing by, rather than feeling I have to wait for the doors to be closed and the blinds drawn before I can show any kind of affection, no one should ever feel like they have to shut their love away and neither should I, love should be something that you always wear as boldly as a bright shirt or new shoes, and should be something that always makes you hold your head up high knowing that someone cares about you enough to make you feel the rest of the world doesnt even exist when you're together.

Keeping Your Nose Out Of It Is The New Black.

Something someone said earlier got me thinking about the old fashioned ways and the new fashioned ways, one of my friends recently had found herself in a bit of a jam, a bit of a 9 month jam, with someone who honestly should wake up, grow up and be a man, and with the ways she dealt with the whole situation, with such openness to people around her, got me thinking, do we all have that natural reaction to just tell anything to our closest group, because we all want to protect our loved ones from harm and pain?, but are there things we aren’t meant to know and be involved in? Is there a line we aren’t meant to cross? but are unable to see it as the new generation who don’t know any better, I found trying to find some guidance about what to say, what to do from elders, people of wisdom supposedly, was a more eye opening experience, receiving only comments of non involvement and deniability to the whole business, that i should apparently keep my nose well out of it all, but isn’t it in a way, just sweeping it under the rug? Just rather unhealthy, if nobody does anything about the giant pink elephant in the room, isn’t it just a matter of time before everything gets trampled? To me, being part of the younger population I find the natural urge to want to get involved, to want to help and solve all of life’s little problems of the people around me a must, or maybe is it that we feel we have become so co-dependent on everyone else to solve our problems, we just can’t fend for ourselves anymore? Wouldn’t life be a lot easier if it came with a manual, a how to on your problems with a simple step by step on fixing everything that you could do on your own, in that case people wouldn’t have to pair off to fix the broken pipes of life’s metaphorical sink, or maybe this never to exist manual should be more aptly titled, “how to prevent life fires”, so people are able to be smarter, spot the mistakes, and chronic disasters from bursting into flames before they happen, and inevitably scarring them emotionally for life.

Love On The Range.

Let’s say you’re with some you really love, and your time is running thin and your mood is running down, the beginnings are always fresh aren’t they, always new, always exciting, but how long until this “honeymoon period” is over? I can’t off the top of my head, name one couple who are still together after such a long time, still in love, still desiring each other’s company, they have their plans set and their foundations laid for a future of potential, is there a law?, some sort of unwritten rule that gives a guideline to the age range when you’ll find that real thing, that something, and some people just aren’t informed on these dates, maybe that's why some people die alone, they’ve missed their window, and when their birthday rolls over and the door closes, that's the time to just give up isn’t it? Now, I'm a very realistic person, I tell it how it is, how it’s going to be, and how I see it, but I haven’t yet been able to tell it how it is, and how I want it to be, and have them match up identically, I don’t believe in promises of things getting better all the time, because they haven’t ever materialised for me, and when things aren’t heading towards the goals I've set out for my life I run, but doesn’t that in its self mean, I've closed this door, this range of time to have the real deal for myself a lot sooner than it should have been?, am I cynic and an unbeliever? Or have my standards become so high you could limbo under them at 100 feet tall and not have to bend backwards?, someone said to me recently, maybe just to make it work for now, learn to be happy for now, all in the now, but not the later, but then there is the decision, is it really better to just not be happy at all? Or just to be happy and in bliss and have it come crashing down at the inevitable end?

Has Anyone Seen My Key?

Is it just that it’s been, they aren’t laughing with me, they are just laughing at me, and I am not noticing it when it’s right in front of my face, does that explain why no one came, why everyone can just, without feeling, brush me away and not expect me to care?, everything is so fragile and fickle, I don’t feel that anything is solid in my life not even the bonds with the people around me, maybe I should fake my death just to see If anyone actually comes to my funeral, or will it be that my body is just rolled up into an old rug and lit alight under a bypass bridge?, a fitting death for a nobody that nobody will remember, I sound so mellow dramatic, but you haven’t really been in my shoes lately, no one would believe it but I hide it well, I'm just me, just laughs and jokes, never taken seriously, never taken into consideration, but people don’t realise it’s just a front, just a big sheet I hold up in front of me so you don’t see the scars and blood all over my face, it’s all tied into heart break in my eyes, the young lost ones, and lost times, dragging on into adulthood, and people in life and magazines always say when you grow up, all the distant past memories will just be things you can laugh about and get over them quickly, but I'm still waiting, and I find I'm just being taken advantage of in such extraordinary ways and unexpected ones, that I didn't even see it coming, but I don’t want to give them the satisfaction, letting them know that they’ve gotten to me, it’s why I don’t open up, why I don’t talk about anything hidden behind my brick wall, so I come off strong, like everything bounces off my rubbery skin, which to some degree it does, unless I’ve stupidly gotten too close and gave that metaphorical key to the hidden door in the wall, then I feel exposed sometimes that someone can take one quick step and crush my mood, but I’ve gotten into the mind set of getting verbal and angry, and intensely confrontational when things go wrong, and I take control of the moment, and if I don’t want to get into it, and I don’t want to talk about it, then rest assured, the conversation is over.

My Stars.

Aquarius

20^th January – 18^th February

You and your man have different ideas about lifestyle, you need to discuss them. Be ready for to make radical financial decisions that could help you be debt-free or even rich. This month brings an important choice. It won’t be easy but you have to make it.

I felt this was very relevant to the here and now.

Your Fantasy World Looks A Little Cold.

I have this friend who just doesn’t get it, living in a total fantasy world, forcing his relationship, which only he is a part of, onto a guy who really isn’t that interested anyways, it’s sad in a way, to be so desperate for the real thing, to just have such an incredible in denial mind set, he’s been away for some time trying to make it work, making all the effort, having one sided talks of moving in together, which I'm sure is only wanted by him, can someone be so blind?, “sorry you can’t come till Wednesday” we all think it, maybe he has someone else over? Maybe none of his friends know about you? Or maybe he’s just too afraid to tell you that this isn’t what he wants, but it was fun while it lasted, I remember in my last relationship which lasted for so long, I wanted to escape, to not be held in this invisible prison trapped with someone who just doesn’t do “it” for me anymore, the spark just wasn’t there, and maybe it’s just not there for half of this couple, it’s going to be falling down around him and its going to be such a disaster, but only for one, the one who throws around “I love you” like wedding confetti and doesn’t consider its meaning, but not the other, using weird analogies and a total lack of it at all, I know things like facebook are just websites, people always say that, it doesn’t really have much meaning and all the rest of it, but still, if you are out with someone, seeing them officially, at least shouldn’t there be some mention of you on there? A picture? a name? Something, and if there’s nothing, maybe it’s just because your his best kept secret, a far away flaunt that he doesn’t, maybe you are just his play thing and he is going to play you like a cheap instrument and discard you when a more upper model comes along, I must admit sometime ago I would have been a big hypocrite about this, but back then I soon realised fantasies, views of the perfect one and the perfect relationship shouldn’t be milked to death and lived by like everyday rules, but that doesn’t mean you should become a recluse and a cynic, but maybe you should be taking your relationships with a pinch of salt, and actually open your eyes, maybe you should open your eyes, realise he doesn’t want you, and move on without getting hurt, because you should just realise it wasn’t serious, it wasn’t real, and you were just kind of being an idiot.