Has Anyone Seen My Key?

Is it just that it’s been, they aren’t laughing with me, they are just laughing at me, and I am not noticing it when it’s right in front of my face, does that explain why no one came, why everyone can just, without feeling, brush me away and not expect me to care?, everything is so fragile and fickle, I don’t feel that anything is solid in my life not even the bonds with the people around me, maybe I should fake my death just to see If anyone actually comes to my funeral, or will it be that my body is just rolled up into an old rug and lit alight under a bypass bridge?, a fitting death for a nobody that nobody will remember, I sound so mellow dramatic, but you haven’t really been in my shoes lately, no one would believe it but I hide it well, I'm just me, just laughs and jokes, never taken seriously, never taken into consideration, but people don’t realise it’s just a front, just a big sheet I hold up in front of me so you don’t see the scars and blood all over my face, it’s all tied into heart break in my eyes, the young lost ones, and lost times, dragging on into adulthood, and people in life and magazines always say when you grow up, all the distant past memories will just be things you can laugh about and get over them quickly, but I'm still waiting, and I find I'm just being taken advantage of in such extraordinary ways and unexpected ones, that I didn't even see it coming, but I don’t want to give them the satisfaction, letting them know that they’ve gotten to me, it’s why I don’t open up, why I don’t talk about anything hidden behind my brick wall, so I come off strong, like everything bounces off my rubbery skin, which to some degree it does, unless I’ve stupidly gotten too close and gave that metaphorical key to the hidden door in the wall, then I feel exposed sometimes that someone can take one quick step and crush my mood, but I’ve gotten into the mind set of getting verbal and angry, and intensely confrontational when things go wrong, and I take control of the moment, and if I don’t want to get into it, and I don’t want to talk about it, then rest assured, the conversation is over.