I just had that moment, where I realised and seriously thought, it’s not so much the “it’s all you” , but maybe more realistically, “it's all just me” maybe I'm the one with the problem, maybe I'm the one that should just realise I've got a good thing going here, and should really just open my eyes to what’s important, and I do know that if it’s important to you, it should be doubly important to me, as I'm finding myself loving you with every fibre of my being, finding myself consumed by the thoughts of every you, but on that, I can’t help but lose my way, as well as lose sight of what really matters, in my mind, planning for the future is an important step in a relationship, but what if you find yourself with someone who already has their own agenda and their own goals laid out in a neat set line, do we really have the right to come along and bend and curve their future with our own ideas and plans?, or is it that we should really be picking up another paddle to help sail the course of your partners life boat? Even if the dock you eventually pull into, isn’t one where you see yourself being in any sense and may not even speak the language, when does it become applicable for someone to just be selfish for a change and introduce the “I wants” and the “I needs” into a relationship, or is it that love blinds us in such a way we can’t even sail our own boats anymore?, that a hazy fog clouds your way much like an infatuation does, finding ourselves having to jump ships with the natural instinct knowing 2 rowers are better than 1 right? If I'm honest I've never really had a set goal, a set plan, and as a result always end up going along with everyone else’s plans, just being there to lend an extra hand and support, but thinking on that, will it ever come to the point where eventually I have no one to guide me out of the fog? And ultimately be lost on my journey, when is it ever going to clear up and be my turn?
I Shouldn't Have To Wait For You To Love Me.
Thinking on it now, are we all just scared to be who we really are?, I was looking at my life in its past and present state, evaluating the moments and the goings on I could recall, there was one thing that stood out in my mind that made me wonder, when you’re with someone and you are in a place where you feel proud and excited about who they are and this relationship you find yourself in, so new and full of potential, you just want to show it off to the world right? But what if, we find ourselves in a position where we aren’t able to, where we find it our partners do not reciprocate in these feelings of share and share alike about the status of their relationship, and hide it away behind the other nick naks on life's shelf with everything else that classifies as “no one else needs to know my business”, are we supposed to zip our mouths shut and be as unaffectionate as strangers in public’s eye? Doesn’t that in its self pose the questions of actually being a true couple, or even more so an apparent embarrassment of the situation your partner finds themselves in or maybe it’s just you as a person that embarrasses?, it could be paranoia, it could be just other peoples whispers, but it does make you wonder, why can’t people just be happy with what goes on in their own heads, their own lives and ideas, and not even care to the thoughts of others, if I cared at all what people thought of me and the things they say, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, I wouldn’t be as strong and confident as I am, I find myself wanting someone who can just hold my hand in public, just kiss me here and now, and not even look around after just to see who was watching, because then it would feel like the “me and you” is all there is, and the world around us would just be a blurry passing by, rather than feeling I have to wait for the doors to be closed and the blinds drawn before I can show any kind of affection, no one should ever feel like they have to shut their love away and neither should I, love should be something that you always wear as boldly as a bright shirt or new shoes, and should be something that always makes you hold your head up high knowing that someone cares about you enough to make you feel the rest of the world doesnt even exist when you're together.
Keeping Your Nose Out Of It Is The New Black.
Something someone said earlier got me thinking about the old fashioned ways and the new fashioned ways, one of my friends recently had found herself in a bit of a jam, a bit of a 9 month jam, with someone who honestly should wake up, grow up and be a man, and with the ways she dealt with the whole situation, with such openness to people around her, got me thinking, do we all have that natural reaction to just tell anything to our closest group, because we all want to protect our loved ones from harm and pain?, but are there things we aren’t meant to know and be involved in? Is there a line we aren’t meant to cross? but are unable to see it as the new generation who don’t know any better, I found trying to find some guidance about what to say, what to do from elders, people of wisdom supposedly, was a more eye opening experience, receiving only comments of non involvement and deniability to the whole business, that i should apparently keep my nose well out of it all, but isn’t it in a way, just sweeping it under the rug? Just rather unhealthy, if nobody does anything about the giant pink elephant in the room, isn’t it just a matter of time before everything gets trampled? To me, being part of the younger population I find the natural urge to want to get involved, to want to help and solve all of life’s little problems of the people around me a must, or maybe is it that we feel we have become so co-dependent on everyone else to solve our problems, we just can’t fend for ourselves anymore? Wouldn’t life be a lot easier if it came with a manual, a how to on your problems with a simple step by step on fixing everything that you could do on your own, in that case people wouldn’t have to pair off to fix the broken pipes of life’s metaphorical sink, or maybe this never to exist manual should be more aptly titled, “how to prevent life fires”, so people are able to be smarter, spot the mistakes, and chronic disasters from bursting into flames before they happen, and inevitably scarring them emotionally for life.
Love On The Range.
Let’s say you’re with some you really love, and your time is running thin and your mood is running down, the beginnings are always fresh aren’t they, always new, always exciting, but how long until this “honeymoon period” is over? I can’t off the top of my head, name one couple who are still together after such a long time, still in love, still desiring each other’s company, they have their plans set and their foundations laid for a future of potential, is there a law?, some sort of unwritten rule that gives a guideline to the age range when you’ll find that real thing, that something, and some people just aren’t informed on these dates, maybe that's why some people die alone, they’ve missed their window, and when their birthday rolls over and the door closes, that's the time to just give up isn’t it? Now, I'm a very realistic person, I tell it how it is, how it’s going to be, and how I see it, but I haven’t yet been able to tell it how it is, and how I want it to be, and have them match up identically, I don’t believe in promises of things getting better all the time, because they haven’t ever materialised for me, and when things aren’t heading towards the goals I've set out for my life I run, but doesn’t that in its self mean, I've closed this door, this range of time to have the real deal for myself a lot sooner than it should have been?, am I cynic and an unbeliever? Or have my standards become so high you could limbo under them at 100 feet tall and not have to bend backwards?, someone said to me recently, maybe just to make it work for now, learn to be happy for now, all in the now, but not the later, but then there is the decision, is it really better to just not be happy at all? Or just to be happy and in bliss and have it come crashing down at the inevitable end?
Has Anyone Seen My Key?
Is it just that it’s been, they aren’t laughing with me, they are just laughing at me, and I am not noticing it when it’s right in front of my face, does that explain why no one came, why everyone can just, without feeling, brush me away and not expect me to care?, everything is so fragile and fickle, I don’t feel that anything is solid in my life not even the bonds with the people around me, maybe I should fake my death just to see If anyone actually comes to my funeral, or will it be that my body is just rolled up into an old rug and lit alight under a bypass bridge?, a fitting death for a nobody that nobody will remember, I sound so mellow dramatic, but you haven’t really been in my shoes lately, no one would believe it but I hide it well, I'm just me, just laughs and jokes, never taken seriously, never taken into consideration, but people don’t realise it’s just a front, just a big sheet I hold up in front of me so you don’t see the scars and blood all over my face, it’s all tied into heart break in my eyes, the young lost ones, and lost times, dragging on into adulthood, and people in life and magazines always say when you grow up, all the distant past memories will just be things you can laugh about and get over them quickly, but I'm still waiting, and I find I'm just being taken advantage of in such extraordinary ways and unexpected ones, that I didn't even see it coming, but I don’t want to give them the satisfaction, letting them know that they’ve gotten to me, it’s why I don’t open up, why I don’t talk about anything hidden behind my brick wall, so I come off strong, like everything bounces off my rubbery skin, which to some degree it does, unless I’ve stupidly gotten too close and gave that metaphorical key to the hidden door in the wall, then I feel exposed sometimes that someone can take one quick step and crush my mood, but I’ve gotten into the mind set of getting verbal and angry, and intensely confrontational when things go wrong, and I take control of the moment, and if I don’t want to get into it, and I don’t want to talk about it, then rest assured, the conversation is over.
My Stars.
Aquarius
20th January – 18th February
You and your man have different ideas about lifestyle, you need to discuss them. Be ready for to make radical financial decisions that could help you be debt-free or even rich. This month brings an important choice. It won’t be easy but you have to make it.
I felt this was very relevant to the here and now.
Your Fantasy World Looks A Little Cold.
I have this friend who just doesn’t get it, living in a total fantasy world, forcing his relationship, which only he is a part of, onto a guy who really isn’t that interested anyways, it’s sad in a way, to be so desperate for the real thing, to just have such an incredible in denial mind set, he’s been away for some time trying to make it work, making all the effort, having one sided talks of moving in together, which I'm sure is only wanted by him, can someone be so blind?, “sorry you can’t come till Wednesday” we all think it, maybe he has someone else over? Maybe none of his friends know about you? Or maybe he’s just too afraid to tell you that this isn’t what he wants, but it was fun while it lasted, I remember in my last relationship which lasted for so long, I wanted to escape, to not be held in this invisible prison trapped with someone who just doesn’t do “it” for me anymore, the spark just wasn’t there, and maybe it’s just not there for half of this couple, it’s going to be falling down around him and its going to be such a disaster, but only for one, the one who throws around “I love you” like wedding confetti and doesn’t consider its meaning, but not the other, using weird analogies and a total lack of it at all, I know things like facebook are just websites, people always say that, it doesn’t really have much meaning and all the rest of it, but still, if you are out with someone, seeing them officially, at least shouldn’t there be some mention of you on there? A picture? a name? Something, and if there’s nothing, maybe it’s just because your his best kept secret, a far away flaunt that he doesn’t, maybe you are just his play thing and he is going to play you like a cheap instrument and discard you when a more upper model comes along, I must admit sometime ago I would have been a big hypocrite about this, but back then I soon realised fantasies, views of the perfect one and the perfect relationship shouldn’t be milked to death and lived by like everyday rules, but that doesn’t mean you should become a recluse and a cynic, but maybe you should be taking your relationships with a pinch of salt, and actually open your eyes, maybe you should open your eyes, realise he doesn’t want you, and move on without getting hurt, because you should just realise it wasn’t serious, it wasn’t real, and you were just kind of being an idiot.
The Past, Missing Person.
I’ve been having this dream for so long, over and over again, where I’m travelling, somewhere up north, maybe Liverpool, and maybe I’m seeing someone or maybe I’m just going to get away, and then something happens, I’m in an accident somehow, with no id, nothing on me, maybe my bag goes missing and I do keep everything about me in it, I wake up in hospital, no memory of my life before, no memory of the people I know or the life I lead, and with nothing to work out who I am doctors, police trying to work out my identity, but with nothing to help, I am a no one, a new person, anyone I want to be, time goes by and with no one to tell me who I am, I make a new name for myself, a new identity, one where I am fresh and have no cares in the world, given a new place to live, a new bag to fill with a new life, making new friends a new career, making the right decisions perhaps and having a better life, and I think how appealing that idea seems to me, now in the waking world, to completely wipe the slate in such a total way, that the person I was with all the worries and depression, that no one sees with the smile on my face and the sharp smart mouthed attitude, was completely gone, and I was someone new, then the dream continues, travelling around once again, meeting someone who apparently knew me from before the accident, one of those mistaken identity moments, being called this name I didn’t even recognise from a person who I couldn’t place, being told things that just sounded so unfamiliar to me, they take me to my apparent home, to my apparent family and nothing seems familiar, I wander around the room which is apparently mine, seeing names, faces which might as well not be there with the lack of memories to go with them, being told these things about this person I apparently was’ past and trying not to listen at what I am hearing, because comparing the things I’m being told to the life I’m leading now is unbearable, like this is just a nightmare, I’m not this person I didn’t want to hear it, I wouldn’t want to be this person, their life sound so harsh and difficult, so much pain, so much hidden thoughts, and saddened moments, again and again, walking around meeting people who continue the dread asking me questions to which I didn’t know the answer, taking me places which where I have apparently worked, been to, I just wanted to go home, to my new home, to my now home, wanting to be away and realise that this accident though it damaged me and caused me pain, was like a lift from a world I didn’t want to be in, like a quick fix to all of these problems I had thankfully forgotten all about and would most likely never know again, I could start anew and be anyone I wanted to be, and that’s just what I was doing, and I decided once leaving this town, this city, these people who were now strangers and would never be the people they wanted to be in my life again, I would never give another thought to this person who I am glad I am no longer, and I never did.
I Bought Him At Argos.
It just goes to show you, with the right words, and the right alcohol and drugs, you can get any man you set your eyes on, even susan boyle can date brad pitt if he did a line of coke and drank a bottle of vodka beforehand, I've seen something so mind boggling and eye opening recently, until it was explained to me, someone so old looking, balding and stomach wrenching, clinging to an underwear model like there was no tomorrow, being an apparent couple, supposedly anyways, day after day coming in flaunting his arm meat like a new chanel handbag, treating someone like an accessory, everyone fantasising over the new attractive bit, we all look, and we all want, but then we see it, the complete lack of a personality the lack of moral fibres, oh I’ll just get with him, I’ll get his number, then I’ll leave with my “boyfriend”, that’s not how life works, you just can’t do that, even worse still everyone knows, everyone saw, even his alcohol source, but denial is the flavour of this month it seems, and I realise how unappealing people are like that to me, who can’t keep it together with one person for five minutes, who don’t even give a second thought to the feelings of the one they “love”, I used to be like this, I used to have such a low standard about people and myself, but things change and so do some people, and now I see the values of people and, if they don’t have any, how much I'm turned off by this, how much moral values matter to me, because you’re Mr. Right isn’t going to be a bigamist, but people these days think you can only have one or the other, so they settle, I'm sure if you asked a large community of people, whether they would choose an attractive, dumb, unfaithful person, or a smart, loyal, caring fugly person, 99% would choose the babe, because people just aren’t interested in finding the real thing, they are just happy in the now, in the “oh you’ll do”, with someone who may make people jealous of your so called relationship, but that’s only if the person you’re with keeps their mouth shut and their dick in their pants for longer than 10 minutes, people aren’t in the mood to make the effort, which isn’t right, why aren’t people just prepared to work a little and not buy a man?
Shoulda, Woulda, Dont Bothera.
It’s interesting how many times people I know decide on a partner based on the “shoulds” of other people rather than their own instincts and what they want for a real relationship and real feelings, having said that real love is something you have to work at, it doesn’t just fall into your lap and magic off the TV screen when you’re watching a film. You just have to be honest with yourself and don’t settle, I used to settle so much, which basically the only box I had to tick was “Anyone’s fine”, I just became more stern and strict with myself, and asked myself, which I wished people would do around me, “are the boxes my partner ticks mine or are they what others think is right for me?” If those ticks are things that seem good on paper but aren’t important to you, they’re just things that sound like values of a knight on a white horse or some other fictional character that just isn’t real, maybe you’re not getting butterflies for a good reason. If, on the other hand, people value the person they’re with and who they are, maybe it’s about working on the romance. The second thing people need to do is talk to each other. I can’t count on all the fingers on my hand, toes on my feet and hairs on my head, how many times there was no conversation, no exchange of ideas, values, thoughts or anything to structure the base of the relationship, I always see it, is if you want to be in the relationship and make it work, you will make plans for the future, because you subconsciously and consciously see you still working on it and being together in the months to come, maybe making a plan to be more spontaneous and try to inject some passion or events will make less of I “should” be with them, to more of an I “want” to be with them, and if there are still no flutters, maybe the relationship you find yourself in just wasn’t meant to be, and you should be more realistic in the future.
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