Just Take A Minute.

Haven’t you ever tried to, tried to think like you talk, like you say to people the truth, the reality, being so realistic, sometimes cynical, usually cynical, which then avoids disappointment, for them anyways, whereas when it comes to following your own advice, your own thoughts, that never happens, don’t be ridiculous, I’ve always been so disappointed.

It just occurred to me that I’m quite quick, quite detailed with the advice I give to others, about what they should do, what really happened, what’s going to happen and usually being right, yet in my own life I never see it, or at least like to admit it out loud, sometimes I will, quietly to myself, just to make sure I’m not fooling myself, admitting that I know what’s going on, what’s right in front of me but never stopping, never holding back to change direction, still heading towards that inevitable end, where I’ve been so many times before, like I just can’t resist getting deeper into where I’ve been so deep before.

I found myself in that same situation, the sudden burst, and the sudden intensity. Just amazing, just like last time, the days, and the activities, identical, and of course the ending was the same, it’s always the same, I didn’t change anything, try to avoid being used, being discarded, but it happens, again, I should have seen it coming. It’s as if I’m doomed to repeat what I’ve repeated so many times before.

That’s partly a lie though, I did see it coming, but I just couldn’t admit it to myself, why can’t I listen to that voice, the one I use to tell people the harsh reality, why can’t I just shout out to turn around and go back before going too far, before ending up with another mar.. another ja… another one and another one, the same places, the same people, the same feelings, the same me, me that should be in more control of me, and say that this has happened before, you’ve seen the signs, he was just using you in a period where they had some free time, just get over it, you expect other people to follow your advice why don’t you try to follow it yourself, don’t be ridiculous, don’t be a victim, I refuse to play the victim, I cannot be the victim. Why is it some of us, including myself just cannot pluck up the nerve to listen to our own advice and get real.