When you’ve just
had enough of the same thing, going around and around, thinking to myself, what
is the point?
Where is the plan? What am I doing? Always just sat there,
always just wondering, never really going anywhere. I’ve just wasted so much
time, so much effort, and for what? I could have been somewhere else, with
anyone else, but I couldn’t, why couldn’t I? Just leave.
Something got me thinking recently why does it always have
to be one sided, where only half of a partnership makes any effort and the
other doesn’t, but then it can’t really be called a partnership can it? just
something that that one side is clinging on to, to not feel so alone and lost,
without anyone to love, making themselves so selfless and giving until there is
nothing less to give.
I just thought today, I’ve been torturing myself over
clinging to my love, my feeling of want and need, rather than my own happiness,
rather than my brain full of so many thoughts about what I really should be
doing with my life and where I should be going, I’ve been wasting my time being
with someone who I put so much effort into being with, whose only effort was to
look for someone else other than me, worn away again and again, slowly chipped
away each time, beaten down to nothing more than resentment, no wonder I’m so cynical,
what am I to do with this whatever it’s called than to move on, cut my losses
and leave, to grow up and realise this isn’t going anywhere, so I did.
And now meeting the people, doing the things I’ve missed out
on, but feeling bad that I don’t feel bad, not having any tears or tense chest,
meeting such a beautiful boy, a short romance of sorts, such a good heart, who
gave me the push I needed, to make me see what the world has to offer, why am I
just settling, I always settle, over and over, like I don’t think I could do
better, I know I can do better. And now just making my way through the next to
the next, avoiding another long term torture, but then maybe I’ll turn into
him, someone who might have such a good thing going but avoiding getting really
involved and constantly looking for someone else, I just haven’t even begun to
plan out what I’m going to do, and that excites me more than anything I’ve been
through for years.
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