Something got me thinking today, sat here with everything
running through my mind, what I’m doing is kind of like a diet, a dating diet,
when you’ve had all the ‘sweets’ all the things that you know that are bad for
you but you’ve just got to have them because they make you feel so good, but having
to resist, have to be good, you end up replacing them with other things, other substitutes
because you know you can’t have what you really want, and you just have to keep
trying different substitutes to keep the diet interesting.
That made me realise that in this emotional relationship diet I’m completely spiralling through, I can’t have what I want, I can’t have my sweet boy, when I finally found that spark, that click, one after another of such amazing wonderful things, falling deeper. They were snatched away and made something I couldn’t have, I wasn’t able to have them anymore, my sweets were gone, and now what am I to do but substitute them for other things, the only difference is in a diet you replace them with things that are good for you, where as what I am doing I know is bad for me, but I can’t stop, won’t stop, what else am I to do?
I do not sit around and wait, refuse to sit around and wait, I could be waiting around forever and I just don’t have the time.
It’s funny though how after the end of something so long
before I felt no sadness, anger, anything in that direction, it had all been
said and done before, nothing left to do but just carry on, and yet feeling the way I do
after something so short, absolutely ridiculous, but worth it, seeing that
glimpse of what I had been missing out on, giving me that push, seeing that sweet
beautiful thing, but then it being taken away and now going off and replacing it
again and again with other things that I know are bad, but I’m at a stage where
if I’m going to be bad, I might as well while I’m still able to get away with it,
but then do I even want to get away with anything? I’d rather just hang on to
my sweets, but I know that isn’t possible, so I have to find a substitute, and
another, and another, having quick bursts of all the things im missing but making no commitement promises, no attachment, no strings to tie me down, why is it that I just can never seem to hang on to the
ones that really made an impact, no matter how short. There will always be that one thing you know you can’t
have, and you’ll just spend forever wanting it more and more. Why is that i cant just throw this diet out the window and get a piece of what i want?
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