Just Take A Minute.

Haven’t you ever tried to, tried to think like you talk, like you say to people the truth, the reality, being so realistic, sometimes cynical, usually cynical, which then avoids disappointment, for them anyways, whereas when it comes to following your own advice, your own thoughts, that never happens, don’t be ridiculous, I’ve always been so disappointed.

It just occurred to me that I’m quite quick, quite detailed with the advice I give to others, about what they should do, what really happened, what’s going to happen and usually being right, yet in my own life I never see it, or at least like to admit it out loud, sometimes I will, quietly to myself, just to make sure I’m not fooling myself, admitting that I know what’s going on, what’s right in front of me but never stopping, never holding back to change direction, still heading towards that inevitable end, where I’ve been so many times before, like I just can’t resist getting deeper into where I’ve been so deep before.

I found myself in that same situation, the sudden burst, and the sudden intensity. Just amazing, just like last time, the days, and the activities, identical, and of course the ending was the same, it’s always the same, I didn’t change anything, try to avoid being used, being discarded, but it happens, again, I should have seen it coming. It’s as if I’m doomed to repeat what I’ve repeated so many times before.

That’s partly a lie though, I did see it coming, but I just couldn’t admit it to myself, why can’t I listen to that voice, the one I use to tell people the harsh reality, why can’t I just shout out to turn around and go back before going too far, before ending up with another mar.. another ja… another one and another one, the same places, the same people, the same feelings, the same me, me that should be in more control of me, and say that this has happened before, you’ve seen the signs, he was just using you in a period where they had some free time, just get over it, you expect other people to follow your advice why don’t you try to follow it yourself, don’t be ridiculous, don’t be a victim, I refuse to play the victim, I cannot be the victim. Why is it some of us, including myself just cannot pluck up the nerve to listen to our own advice and get real.

One.

So he should be tall, but not too tall, he should have dark eyes, he should make me laugh and know how to talk to me, he should like my music and be able to swap wardrobes occasionally, he should be determined and have a plan, he should always want to hold my hand and cuddle me to sleep, he should be someone like…..

That image that you create of your perfect partner, your ideal type, most people I’ve met have said, oh no I don’t have a type I just go for someone who does this or does that, like make them laugh or like their music, but then that’s a type isn’t it?

I find that in most people or maybe just my own experiences, they have created these types, this criteria based on someone they have previously dated or just randomly met, and that person whatever it was about them has stuck in their head, stood out as something that made them feel special, just for a moment, just for a time when it seemed like there really wasn’t anyone out there for them, and from that encounter they’ve picked out those pieces and made a mould in their heads, that they’ll then try to get every new partner to fit in to, I find with mine personally its someone I had only met a handful of times over the years, but he had made such an impact on me with his look, his attitude, his brown eyes, his kiss, even though I hardly knew anything about him like his life outside of the time I knew him, but then isn’t that better in a way? Or is it worse?

Better because by keeping the contact and actual information about the person intimately, like their personality, their lives, their past, to an absolute minimum, you aren’t disrupting the image of your perfect partner and the feeling they give yourself whenever you hear their name, see their face, talk to them, because if you found out something that you didn’t like, your mould would be damaged.

Worse because you just have these unrealistic expectations for any future partner, it’s such a rare thing to find someone who will ever take the place of anyone you really want, anyone who has made you smile, made your heart race and your palms sweat over the feeling they give you, people don’t usually settle, because really, after you meet that one that sets the criteria, no one will ever be good enough.

So really, what are we supposed to do? just stop having these set guidelines for what we want, or just not have all our hopes hung up on finding someone like the person who set them in the first place.

We all need that one. Even if they aren’t really our one. Even if he isn’t really my one.

Im Looking For More Of A "Fixer-Upper"

So I was just sat there and thought, I don’t like that, it’s not a characteristic I find attractive, I don’t think I’m capable to adjust to liking that or being around that, but what am I supposed to do about it.

When you find you’ve really gotten into someone and have fallen in deep, you love being around them, they make you laugh and they’re fun, you get deeper and deeper, and then along the road you come across a bump, a bump of something you don’t like, it’s always been a deal breaker from an early stage, and something if you had known from the first step you would have backed up 2, but what are you supposed to do now, you’re in too deep, there are real feelings and 2 real people involved, and you’re finding this is a problem for you, but it could be normal to them and their life, what can you do? I mean realistically at this stage it’s not really your place to demand change just out of preference, and then again why is it them that has to change, I find it with some people that they are so stuck in their ways, they are never really open to the idea of change on their part and expect their partner or potential to change for them,  either way the idea of change always has to be put out there just to make a relationship of any kind work, you usually find with these people that 9 out of 10 of their relationships, they felt there was something that had to or needed to be changed, it’s as if some peoples brains are connected in such a way, that they have to find or are always attracted to a sort of a “fixer-upper” type person, where they want someone who they can change to suit them or they can work on, like they avoid the whole effortless perfect partner type of person because they would feel lost without something to pick on, but then am I that kind of person for attracting this sort of partner, with a characteristic that needs to be changed in my opinion, but not theirs, why is it I can’t just change myself and get over it, can’t I just rewire my brain and not let it affect me, I mean maybe they have a preference of something to change about me, but are just more open to the idea of letting go and not demanding an alteration.

Why has it all become about change, change, change, why does it always have to be about change? You wouldn’t be making a puzzle and when a piece doesn’t fit right, you would wish it to change to fit instead; you'd just get back to looking for the right piece wouldn’t you? Why is it we can't do that in life, just put down the wrong piece of our puzzle and stop forcing it to fit or change and just move back onto the search, have we really become that lazy?

Double Life Double Problems.

It just occurred to me, that whenever my life has a sudden change and i have to either find a new path, replace something that was lost or just continue with something old with just a few small alterations, i usually end up creating a sort of double life for myself, in that rather than focusing all my time on sorting out whatever problems i am having or whatever needs actual work on, I'll end up running away from them, travelling just to get away, making new friends and new plans in a new place, rather than focusing on the more long term things that will be in my life, i don't have the time to just sit and think, to just think on what am i going to do, how do i fix all this mess, i could be using my time more efficiently, but then is it really that efficient? is this really all going to be good in the end? im spending so much time away just to keep busy, that the life I've temporarily left behind is just suffering even more, not being resolved, not being worked, it will all still be sat there when i get home.
This got me thinking in the way of closure, its always something people talk about in many different ways, i always thought it was just something people said because they loved a bit of drama, where as i avoid the drama in my own life, they always want more and more just to have some climatic end to something just to make sure it has actually ended, so maybe thats why i'm having to go away, to just get away, because i never really had that grand closure, i let it all fade out and replaced anything i used to have, used to miss, getting little bits from person to person, i never really had a dramatic climatic ending, so in that sense has it really ended? will i ever be able to really carry and move on, or am i just doomed to carry on in this pattern of a double life?

The Thrill Of The Chase

Why is it, that whenever you try and try to be the nice guy, and not complicate the situation as much as you could possibly manage, it ends up not working out, I always thought it was a myth or just something you see in the movies where people love a bad boy, who is someone that comes along with the chase, the drama, the constant difficulties, who make you work for something that should be a lot simpler at achieving, a real partnership that should just be a bit more effortless then people usually think it should be, but in my experience people always resist the effortlessness, and yearn for that feeling of the thrill of the chase and the drama, why is it that these people who seem so level headed about most other things in their lives, who prefer working to make every day better like in their jobs or family life, hate the idea of having the ideal partnership handed to them. I just can’t get my head around it, like these people would avoid buying a ticket from the relationship lottery out of fear of winning.

It’s almost like these people are choosing to struggle.

This got me thinking that I’ve never really been with anyone who I could just be with, I mean I’ve been with plenty of people for different amounts of time long or short, but I’ve never really ‘been’ with anyone, I would always make it as easy as possible to just be, just to get on with one another and enjoy the time, but then it all fell apart when they felt the loss of the chase, and the settled down feeling, like all these people are so scared of any commitment, like it meant the end of the world or their lives, I’ve had all the excuses, I’m too young, I’m too busy, I’m just not ready, excuses, always excuses, if people never stop resisting then where will all be in the years to come? Alone and constantly chasing after the wrong people, avoiding that perfect situation with the perfect person, because they’re too busy chasing after the idea of constantly having to run around to get somewhere or someone, when realistically life doesn’t always have to be that difficult, you can actually have your cake and eat it too, people just won’t wise up and grow up and prefer just to drift from chase to chase and I however, refuse to chase anyone. I prefer to actually eat me cake and not throw it away.

If You Cant Have The One You Want, Have The Many That You Dont.

Something got me thinking today, sat here with everything running through my mind, what I’m doing is kind of like a diet, a dating diet, when you’ve had all the ‘sweets’ all the things that you know that are bad for you but you’ve just got to have them because they make you feel so good, but having to resist, have to be good, you end up replacing them with other things, other substitutes because you know you can’t have what you really want, and you just have to keep trying different substitutes to keep the diet interesting.

That made me realise that in this emotional relationship diet I’m completely spiralling through, I can’t have what I want, I can’t have my sweet boy, when I finally found that spark, that click, one after another of such amazing wonderful things, falling deeper.  They were snatched away and made something I couldn’t have, I wasn’t able to have them anymore, my sweets were gone, and now what am I to do but substitute them for other things, the only difference is in a diet you replace them with things that are good for you, where as what I am doing I know is bad for me, but I can’t stop, won’t stop, what else am I to do?

I do not sit around and wait, refuse to sit around and wait, I could be waiting around forever and I just don’t have the time.

It’s funny though how after the end of something so long before I felt no sadness, anger, anything in that direction, it had all been said and done before, nothing left to do but just carry on, and yet feeling the way I do after something so short, absolutely ridiculous, but worth it, seeing that glimpse of what I had been missing out on, giving me that push, seeing that sweet beautiful thing, but then it being taken away and now going off and replacing it again and again with other things that I know are bad, but I’m at a stage where if I’m going to be bad, I might as well while I’m still able to get away with it, but then do I even want to get away with anything? I’d rather just hang on to my sweets, but I know that isn’t possible, so I have to find a substitute, and another, and another, having quick bursts of all the things im missing but making no commitement promises, no attachment, no strings to tie me down, why is it that I just can never seem to hang on to the ones that really made an impact, no matter how short. There will always be that one thing you know you can’t have, and you’ll just spend forever wanting it more and more. Why is that i cant just throw this diet out the window and get a piece of what i want?