Im Looking For More Of A "Fixer-Upper"

So I was just sat there and thought, I don’t like that, it’s not a characteristic I find attractive, I don’t think I’m capable to adjust to liking that or being around that, but what am I supposed to do about it.

When you find you’ve really gotten into someone and have fallen in deep, you love being around them, they make you laugh and they’re fun, you get deeper and deeper, and then along the road you come across a bump, a bump of something you don’t like, it’s always been a deal breaker from an early stage, and something if you had known from the first step you would have backed up 2, but what are you supposed to do now, you’re in too deep, there are real feelings and 2 real people involved, and you’re finding this is a problem for you, but it could be normal to them and their life, what can you do? I mean realistically at this stage it’s not really your place to demand change just out of preference, and then again why is it them that has to change, I find it with some people that they are so stuck in their ways, they are never really open to the idea of change on their part and expect their partner or potential to change for them,  either way the idea of change always has to be put out there just to make a relationship of any kind work, you usually find with these people that 9 out of 10 of their relationships, they felt there was something that had to or needed to be changed, it’s as if some peoples brains are connected in such a way, that they have to find or are always attracted to a sort of a “fixer-upper” type person, where they want someone who they can change to suit them or they can work on, like they avoid the whole effortless perfect partner type of person because they would feel lost without something to pick on, but then am I that kind of person for attracting this sort of partner, with a characteristic that needs to be changed in my opinion, but not theirs, why is it I can’t just change myself and get over it, can’t I just rewire my brain and not let it affect me, I mean maybe they have a preference of something to change about me, but are just more open to the idea of letting go and not demanding an alteration.

Why has it all become about change, change, change, why does it always have to be about change? You wouldn’t be making a puzzle and when a piece doesn’t fit right, you would wish it to change to fit instead; you'd just get back to looking for the right piece wouldn’t you? Why is it we can't do that in life, just put down the wrong piece of our puzzle and stop forcing it to fit or change and just move back onto the search, have we really become that lazy?

Double Life Double Problems.

It just occurred to me, that whenever my life has a sudden change and i have to either find a new path, replace something that was lost or just continue with something old with just a few small alterations, i usually end up creating a sort of double life for myself, in that rather than focusing all my time on sorting out whatever problems i am having or whatever needs actual work on, I'll end up running away from them, travelling just to get away, making new friends and new plans in a new place, rather than focusing on the more long term things that will be in my life, i don't have the time to just sit and think, to just think on what am i going to do, how do i fix all this mess, i could be using my time more efficiently, but then is it really that efficient? is this really all going to be good in the end? im spending so much time away just to keep busy, that the life I've temporarily left behind is just suffering even more, not being resolved, not being worked, it will all still be sat there when i get home.
This got me thinking in the way of closure, its always something people talk about in many different ways, i always thought it was just something people said because they loved a bit of drama, where as i avoid the drama in my own life, they always want more and more just to have some climatic end to something just to make sure it has actually ended, so maybe thats why i'm having to go away, to just get away, because i never really had that grand closure, i let it all fade out and replaced anything i used to have, used to miss, getting little bits from person to person, i never really had a dramatic climatic ending, so in that sense has it really ended? will i ever be able to really carry and move on, or am i just doomed to carry on in this pattern of a double life?

The Thrill Of The Chase

Why is it, that whenever you try and try to be the nice guy, and not complicate the situation as much as you could possibly manage, it ends up not working out, I always thought it was a myth or just something you see in the movies where people love a bad boy, who is someone that comes along with the chase, the drama, the constant difficulties, who make you work for something that should be a lot simpler at achieving, a real partnership that should just be a bit more effortless then people usually think it should be, but in my experience people always resist the effortlessness, and yearn for that feeling of the thrill of the chase and the drama, why is it that these people who seem so level headed about most other things in their lives, who prefer working to make every day better like in their jobs or family life, hate the idea of having the ideal partnership handed to them. I just can’t get my head around it, like these people would avoid buying a ticket from the relationship lottery out of fear of winning.

It’s almost like these people are choosing to struggle.

This got me thinking that I’ve never really been with anyone who I could just be with, I mean I’ve been with plenty of people for different amounts of time long or short, but I’ve never really ‘been’ with anyone, I would always make it as easy as possible to just be, just to get on with one another and enjoy the time, but then it all fell apart when they felt the loss of the chase, and the settled down feeling, like all these people are so scared of any commitment, like it meant the end of the world or their lives, I’ve had all the excuses, I’m too young, I’m too busy, I’m just not ready, excuses, always excuses, if people never stop resisting then where will all be in the years to come? Alone and constantly chasing after the wrong people, avoiding that perfect situation with the perfect person, because they’re too busy chasing after the idea of constantly having to run around to get somewhere or someone, when realistically life doesn’t always have to be that difficult, you can actually have your cake and eat it too, people just won’t wise up and grow up and prefer just to drift from chase to chase and I however, refuse to chase anyone. I prefer to actually eat me cake and not throw it away.

If You Cant Have The One You Want, Have The Many That You Dont.

Something got me thinking today, sat here with everything running through my mind, what I’m doing is kind of like a diet, a dating diet, when you’ve had all the ‘sweets’ all the things that you know that are bad for you but you’ve just got to have them because they make you feel so good, but having to resist, have to be good, you end up replacing them with other things, other substitutes because you know you can’t have what you really want, and you just have to keep trying different substitutes to keep the diet interesting.

That made me realise that in this emotional relationship diet I’m completely spiralling through, I can’t have what I want, I can’t have my sweet boy, when I finally found that spark, that click, one after another of such amazing wonderful things, falling deeper.  They were snatched away and made something I couldn’t have, I wasn’t able to have them anymore, my sweets were gone, and now what am I to do but substitute them for other things, the only difference is in a diet you replace them with things that are good for you, where as what I am doing I know is bad for me, but I can’t stop, won’t stop, what else am I to do?

I do not sit around and wait, refuse to sit around and wait, I could be waiting around forever and I just don’t have the time.

It’s funny though how after the end of something so long before I felt no sadness, anger, anything in that direction, it had all been said and done before, nothing left to do but just carry on, and yet feeling the way I do after something so short, absolutely ridiculous, but worth it, seeing that glimpse of what I had been missing out on, giving me that push, seeing that sweet beautiful thing, but then it being taken away and now going off and replacing it again and again with other things that I know are bad, but I’m at a stage where if I’m going to be bad, I might as well while I’m still able to get away with it, but then do I even want to get away with anything? I’d rather just hang on to my sweets, but I know that isn’t possible, so I have to find a substitute, and another, and another, having quick bursts of all the things im missing but making no commitement promises, no attachment, no strings to tie me down, why is it that I just can never seem to hang on to the ones that really made an impact, no matter how short. There will always be that one thing you know you can’t have, and you’ll just spend forever wanting it more and more. Why is that i cant just throw this diet out the window and get a piece of what i want?

A Short Romance Will Fix It.

When you’ve just had enough of the same thing, going around and around, thinking to myself, what is the point?

Where is the plan? What am I doing? Always just sat there, always just wondering, never really going anywhere. I’ve just wasted so much time, so much effort, and for what? I could have been somewhere else, with anyone else, but I couldn’t, why couldn’t I? Just leave.

Something got me thinking recently why does it always have to be one sided, where only half of a partnership makes any effort and the other doesn’t, but then it can’t really be called a partnership can it? just something that that one side is clinging on to, to not feel so alone and lost, without anyone to love, making themselves so selfless and giving until there is nothing less to give.

I just thought today, I’ve been torturing myself over clinging to my love, my feeling of want and need, rather than my own happiness, rather than my brain full of so many thoughts about what I really should be doing with my life and where I should be going, I’ve been wasting my time being with someone who I put so much effort into being with, whose only effort was to look for someone else other than me, worn away again and again, slowly chipped away each time, beaten down to nothing more than resentment, no wonder I’m so cynical, what am I to do with this whatever it’s called than to move on, cut my losses and leave, to grow up and realise this isn’t going anywhere, so I did.

And now meeting the people, doing the things I’ve missed out on, but feeling bad that I don’t feel bad, not having any tears or tense chest, meeting such a beautiful boy, a short romance of sorts, such a good heart, who gave me the push I needed, to make me see what the world has to offer, why am I just settling, I always settle, over and over, like I don’t think I could do better, I know I can do better. And now just making my way through the next to the next, avoiding another long term torture, but then maybe I’ll turn into him, someone who might have such a good thing going but avoiding getting really involved and constantly looking for someone else, I just haven’t even begun to plan out what I’m going to do, and that excites me more than anything I’ve been through for years.